Suspicions of an Affair

Often the first signal of an affair is a gut feeling that something is wrong. Most people reported having this feeling, although it varied in the way it appeared. For some it was a sudden feeling that resulted from a "casual comment or incident," while for others it came as a growing feeling of uneasiness, simply "intuition."
Casual Comments or Incidents:Sometimes the first signal of an affair is a casual comment or incident that seems harmless on the surface, but is felt as an indication that something is wrong. Even though it may seem plausible on a "rational" level, on an emotional level it "registers" as some kind of danger (stimulating a kind of "fight or flight" reaction).
Intuition:The first signals are seldom the stereotypical things like lipstick on the collar or strange phone calls. They're usually much more subtle, more of an intuitive reaction to changes in a partner's behavior, a sense that "something is different."
Following is a list of some of these changes.

1. more distant
2. more preoccupied with job, home, or outside interests
3. more attentive to clothes and accessories
4. more focused on weight and appearance
5. more absent from home with time unaccounted for
6. more glued to the TV set than usual
7. more interested in trying new things sexually than before
8. less attentive
9. less willing to talk or spend time together
10. less available emotionally
11. less interested in family issues
12. less interested in sex than usual
13. less involved in shared activities
    It's tempting to look at this list, find that many of the items fit your partner's behavior, and jump to the conclusion that they're having an affair; but it's not that simple. Determining whether or not there's any significance to the changes in behavior depends on evaluating both the number of areas of change and the degree of change. For instance, changes in only a few areas would not be as significant as changes in many different areas. And very slight changes would not be as significant as more drastic ones.
    But even if there has been a great deal of change in a large number of areas, this does not necessarily signal an affair. There are many reasons for such changes in behavior that have nothing to do with affairs, one of the most likely being an increased level of stress in the work environment. Other possible causes include concerns about health, aging, family, or finances. Whether or not the changes are due to an affair, they indicate a problem that needs to be discussed.

How Prevalent are Affairs?

Conservative estimates are that 60 percent of men and 40 percent of women will have an extramarital affair. These figures are even more significant when we consider the total number of marriages involved—since it's unlikely that all the men and women having affairs happen to be married to each other. If even half of the women having affairs (or 20 percent) are married to men not included in the 60 percent having affairs, then at least one partner will have an affair in approximately 80 percent of all marriages.

Forces within the individual that push them toward affairs

• Desire to escape or find relief from a painful relationship
• Boredom
• Desire to fill gaps in an existing relationship
• Desire to punish one's partner
• Need to prove one's attractiveness or worth
• Desire for attention

Forces within the individual that pull them toward affairs:

Attraction:

• sex,
• companionship,
• admiration,
• power
• Novelty
• Excitement,
• risk,
• or challenge
• Curiosity
• Enhanced self-image
• Falling in love
  

Why Do People Have Affairs?

The first question most people ask when they learn of their partner's affair is, "Why?" And the answers they come up with are usually based on personal blame. They blame themselves, their partner, their relationship, or the third party. They see it strictly as a personal problem, a personal failure of the people involved. This is a very simple explanation for a very complex question.
Usually there are three different kinds of forces that are working together:
Forces within the individual that pull them toward affairsForces within the individual that push them toward affairsSocietal factors

Who Has Affairs?

We tend to think that only bad people have affairs or only people in bad relationships. But no one is immune from an affair.
Monogamy is something most people say they believe in and want for themselves. Every survey ever done on this question shows a high percentage of people think monogamy is important to marriage and that affairs are wrong. But a belief in monogamy as an ideal doesn't prevent large numbers of people from having extramarital affairs. Most people don't intend to have an affair and most people don't think it will happen to them—but it does.
Bottom Line: No one is immune from having affairs disrupt their lives or the lives of those they care about; they happen to all kinds of people, in all walks of life.

Negative Self-Talk

Negative Self-Talk
I feel burned out.
I'm tired.
What's the use?
I'm on a treadmill.
I never have any fun.
I can't seem to get ahead.
Every day it's the same.
I don't feel good.
I'm not in control of my life.
I feel so down all the time.
I can't get caught up.
I'm all stressed out.
Things just aren't working right.,
I've got too much on my plate.
I feel overwhelmed
Nobody cares. Why bother?
His bad mood made me feel low.
Nobody else does. Why should I?
It just can't be done.
Nothing ever works out for me.
It's too hard.
I can't handle this.
I'm so stupid.
I'm so depressed.
It's not fair.
The situation is hopeless.
I'm disgusted.
It's so frustrating.
There aren't enough hours in the day.
I can't seem to get rested.
It's just my usual bad luck.
Why does it always happen to me?
What else can I expect?
I'm bored.
That doesn't work in my area.
Things are great - so look out.
That's just the way I am.
I just never can remember.
Others can do it, why can't I?
I'm so sick of it all.
I don't want to do it.
I try, but it never works.
You want this when?
I hate my life.
"!*&#!"
I should have.
I can't until.
If only I had.
My work is so repetitious.
No one notices my good work.
It's hard to be positive.
That's not my job.
It just doesn't matter.
I never seem to get things done.
I can't handle it any more.
Same old stuff-different day.
What I do is never good enough.
I don't feel like doing anything.
I wish I didn't have to get up.
Why must I do everything?
My hair looks awful.
There's too much to do.
I'm worn out.
Something always goes wrong.
Life's not fair.
I'm in a bad mood.
I'm always short of money.
If only I didn't have staff problems.
There's never enough to go around.
I tried that and it didn't work.
How can I when.
My life's such a mess.
I'm lucky, but its all bad.
That's too hard to do.
I'm just not that smart.
I can't get out of this slump.
I'm not qualified.
I'm tired of doing the same thing.
This is just not my day.
It's a waste of time.
I can't get organized.
I don't have patience.
I don't have energy.
I don't have the ability.
I can't get ready on time.
I don't know what I want
I look terrible.
I need a vacation.
I wish I didn't have to go to work.
I hate change.
When it rains, it p pours.
Bad things come in three's.
cant seem to please anyone
I'm unhappy.
I can't deal with complaints.
Why bother?
I deserve these bad feelings.
The situation is hopeless.
If only he/she would.
How could he/she do that to me?
Why doesn't he/she.
I don't feel like doing anything.
I'll never get over this feeling of...
I feel powerless and it scares me.
I try but it doesn't work out.
Ill never find the right partner.
I'm so afraid I'll drink again
I'm afraid I'll use pills again.
I feel so alone.
I'm afraid of being alone.
His bad moods bring me down.
I deserve to suffer.

YOUR VOICE ON LIFE, LOVE & MARRIAGE EXTRA-MARITAL AFFAIRS

Did you ever have an affair?
If "Yes," what was the affect on you and your marriage?

• Not now, I LOVE my wife so much and think of the promise I made to her at the altar. It is basically moral and religious reasons. It is just not RIGHT, simply put. The policeman in my head will not allow me to do that. Thanks.


• I have not had an affair but I recently uncovered my husband's affair. It has caused me great pain and I am severely depressed. I can't sleep, eat, or concentrate at work. My children are suffering because I cannot function lovingly anymore. Is this all worth sleeping with a stranger?


• I have never thought about it.


• No. Love and respect for my spouse would prevent me even considering an affair. I believe we can send "signals" to others to announce we are unavailable or won't be receptive to further or inappropriate closeness.


• I realized that other women could treat me in a normal respectful manner. I left the marriage. (Not for the other woman.)


• It was only once. My sister-in-law seduced me when I was staying at my folks’ place. The only time in 17 years.


• My ex had two of them during the time we were married. So if you are thinking about it... think of this. Is it worth it? Is it worth ruining your family and changing your entire life as you now have it? And do you have the mental energy it takes to lie and keep your stories straight? But most of all, how would you feel if your spouse did it to you?


• My first marriage lasted 17 years and I never had an affair; my ex-husband did, though. It was a long-term affair with a co-worker who came to our house and was also my friend. They were having an affair right in my own house right under my nose! I confronted my ex about the affair and he continually lied to me about it. Finally he admitted it to me but would not give any details; how long they had been involved, where they spent time, etc. My ex told me they ended the affair but I kept finding gifts and cards from his girlfriend so after time trust was completely shattered. I do not blame my ex totally; I am also to blame because we dated pretty exclusively in high school and married too young. I flirted "innocently" during our marriage but now realize that was wrong, too. I guess I thought about having an affair at one time but my Catholic guilt complex would never ever allow me to pursue it. I am now remarried to a wonderful, loving, honest man and feel so fortunate to have been given a second chance. Flirting is a dangerous thing. Affairs are the most devastating thing to a marriage; once trust is gone, it is so difficult to rebuild. If anyone ever asked my opinion, I would tell them to seek counseling first to heal their marriage. Never, never have an affair. It may feel good for a short while but you're just postponing the inevitable pain of looking seriously at your relationship and yourself.


• No, but I have thought about it because my husband never talks to me, walks and holds hands with me, or does anything fun with me, and he's cheated on me. I yearn for either one night of passion, or a long-term intimate emotional relationship with a man.
  The effect on my marriage was nil. My husband was in medical school and rarely home. I was feeling extremely neglected and . . . At the time it filled an emotional and physical need. Years later, thinking about it makes me feel guilty. That was over 15 years ago and I wouldn't choose to go that route again.


• My ex-husband had many and I could never put someone through what I went through. I felt worthless and less of a person. I felt very unattractive and unwanted.
  While in my first marriage, I had an affair which ended without my husband finding out about it. But I found out for myself what a real marriage should have contained and I found a man who was willing to help.


• Since my wedding day, almost 13 years ago, I have been the faithful wife that my wonderful husband deserves.


• No, I have never considered it. Although the world is full of interesting and attractive males, I would never violate the vows I took 15 years ago, nor have I really had any desire to.


• Yes, I have thought about it, but I was brought up to believe if you are married you are married, if you want to fool around it's best to be single.


• I did not want to lose my husband because I wanted to feel wanted.


• Yes, didn't want to hurt my spouse.


• Have you ever had an affair? Many years ago when I was married to another person I did. I think that an affair comes not from lack of sex, but lack of communication. When the man says "my wife doesn't understand me, " that famous line, he isn't joking. An affair is generally for the conversation and intimacy (though often phony) that is replacing something missing at home. In the end I divorced and the affair had little to do with it. In hindsight, though, it was a sign that our communication lines were shut. The divorce would have happened regardless.


• Probably, when the situation arose, the picture of my crying wife and the hurt I would see in her eyes has been enough to stop me...been married 25 yrs now...never once.....


• I love my husband, and it is just wrong to do that to someone you say you love.


• Unfortunately, we divorced. He decided not to give any time in between for "thinking" and went straight to the lawyer, even though he did not know I had an affair. He "assumed" many things without talking about them. Communication was THE BIGGEST problem. Now, I regret it ALL... 8 years later! He has remarried and divorced since. Now, a new girlfriend (who seems to be buying everyone, including our two boys) is very much in the picture and I feel so many feelings...jealousy, resentment, and most of all blaming myself for such a stupid thing I had done to my family and to myself. I am now living with a "significant other" and have had children, but the relationship goes nowhere! I am so unhappy but because of what I realized with the mistake I made with the first relationship and the woes of the family, I am so reluctant to make any changes here-- even though he has physically abused me and now continues to verbally abuse all of us. I would never have another affair since it has destroyed the true family life I long to have.


• No. I thought about how lucky I am to have a wonderful husband and children and I should be thankful to God for what I have.

YOUR VOICE ON LIFE, LOVE & MARRIAGE
Did you ever have an affair?