Name: Peter
Age: 37
Location: Humberside
Marital status: Married
Children: Two teenagers
Lover: One Name: Natasha
Age: 35
Location: London
Marital status: Married
Children: Two young children
Lover: One
I've been with my wife for 22 years and we are now like brother and sister. About five years ago, we stopped having sex.
I thought about divorce, but just couldn’t do it, I can’t trash my family – so I decided to live a double life.
I'm a successful 37-year-old man, with lots of interests and friends – but passion was totally missing from my life. My wife doesn’t want or need a physical relationship.
Around 18 months ago, I had a fling with a woman I met at a conference. She was just like me, married and drifting apart from her husband.
It only lasted a few weeks, but she told me about Illicit Encounters.
Six months later, I logged on and started reading people’s profiles. I worked out there were two types of women on there. Ones who were just in it for the sex and those who were just like me – unhappy in a relationship and desperate for a connection.
The website seemed perfect, like everyone on there thinks the way I do. No one asks for commitment, no one is going to say ‘leave your wife for me’ but we all want to meet someone special.
Amazingly, so many people say that if they hadn’t found a website like this then they would be getting a divorce.
I got chatting to a girl on the website and then on email. We had a laugh, we got on very well online and on the phone.
As we live around 350 miles apart, we agreed to meet halfway for drinks and dinner.
We had booked rooms in the same hotel, but because we got on so well and found each other so attractive, we ended up having sex, taking all the appropriate precautions.
I had a great time. I felt like all my pent up frustration had been vented. Despite that, we spoke three or four times after the meeting and agreed there wasn’t enough of a spark between us. We have remained friends and confidants ever since.
I found out later it was very unusual for members to sleep together on the first date.
When I logged on again, I got chatting to another woman. We really hit it off and started to see each other regularly.
We both end up in the same cities because of our work. The whole relationship is conducted in hotels or apartments we have hired.
We are both married and each realise the other has a lot to lose. She’s in her early thirties with kids a lot younger than mine.
There are not the usual relationship issues. There’s no ‘you’ve dented the car’ or anything like that.
It's like I have a completely separate parallel life, there is no cross-over at all.
I have to be very strong-minded about it. Part of the process was adapting my mindset and compartmentalising it. It’s the same way you separate work and home life.
I have a fantastic time with the woman I have met, but the word ‘love’ never comes into it.
But I would say we were soul mates. We have similar interests, and intellectually and physically we connect.
When it comes to the future of our relationship, who knows.
I feel liberated. The biggest issues in my mind for five years, that I had no sex, romance or passion in my life, are no longer there.
Not a soul knows about my secret relationship, and there’s no need for them to.
The rest of my life ticks along nicely. I still go on family holidays and the fact that I am having another relationship doesn’t trouble me in the slightest.
I would say using the website has saved my marriage.
Fifteen-year-old Amy* had been hounding her mother to sign up for Internet service at home. “I kind of had a fear of it,” said her mother Sara. “I’d come home with newspaper articles I’d read about kids being lured by adults they’d met online.” But Amy was already using the Internet at the public library and school anyway. “She set up her own...account [with a password and free e-mail].”
Sara found out that Amy had been sharing many personal conversations with Bill, whom she had “met” in an online chatroom. They discussed her desire to live her life differently. Bill was “sympathetic” to Amy’s dreams and desires. By getting to know and sympathizing with her concerns or fears, Bill was able to break down her inhibitions.
When Amy didn’t come home one night, Sara knew something was wrong. So she began a search of Amy’s room. “I found a note [Amy] wrote saying she was 98 percent sure she was going to do this [trip]. The note said she’d be getting on a bus.” At this same time, Amy was at the bus station on the telephone with Bill. He was saying, “You can’t go home now, because I’ll get caught.” Amy felt compelled to keep him from getting apprehended.
Sara said, “I went to my local police station and tried to get them to go and get her. At that point they really didn’t want to do anything. They were thinking she had run away. [We had] the [man’s] real name and address...though at that time I wasn’t sure it was the real name. I couldn’t get anyone to go and see if this was a legitimate address. I found out that in our state runaways don’t have to return home if they don’t want to.”
Sara called the National Center for Missing & Exploited Children (NCMEC). Sara said it was that call that got the police to check out the address on the ticket and “find out whether...this person actually existed.”
A detective had called to say the man’s address was a computer dating service. “It turned out this is where that man worked, and he lived upstairs,” Sara said. The police said they’d watch the location.
About midnight an officer called in and said, “A taxi just pulled up, a guy and a girl got out of it, we think it’s them.” He said, “We need to find out [from Amy] if she wants to stay. In order to get her [without her consent], we’d have to get a court order showing the reason why we wanted her out.” Sara had to talk to Amy on the telephone and promise not to press charges before Amy would agree to go home.
“We had a 36-hour bus ride back [home].... At first she was really upset. She definitely wanted to be with this man. He’d been telling her, ‘I’m in love with you, you’re the only one I’ve ever done this with, you just have to come with me and when I put you up it’s going to be great.’ We learned a lot. I learned a lot. I thought I knew a lot about my child.”
But something told Sara the ordeal wasn’t over. She said, “Three weeks later this man came to our home. [Amy] slipped out...with him. He had continued to contact her, and it wasn’t until this meeting that the man assaulted [Amy], in a motel in our own town.”
NCMEC contacted the police department who sent a detective to intercept Amy and Bill before they boarded a bus. It wasn’t until police approached them in the bus station that Bill told Amy she was not the first girl he’d contacted on the Internet and lured into meeting him in person. This was the turning point for Amy, what she’d needed to hear. Not until then could she tell her mother, “I can’t believe I got suckered into this.” Bill was convicted and sentenced to a year-and-a-day term in federal prison. Bill was released in April 2001 to the United States Probation Office where he was placed on probation for three years.1 Sara told us they still get calls with no one at the other end of the line.
We asked Marsha Gilmer-Tullis, who is the NCMEC family services advocate and familiar with Amy’s case, why she thought Amy succumbed to this predator — the death of a close step-grandfather, feeling sorry for Bill, adventure-seeking, fears about the new millennium? Marsha said, “All of the above. There are lots of issues, usually. Being a teenager is a very difficult time, and there are issues and concerns that teens are struggling with. It’s often so much easier to get online, where you’re anonymous and the other person is anonymous, and talk. You’re feeling dejected and unattractive, and someone’s telling you how wonderful and beautiful you are. They’re a teen and immature, and the adult knows that and takes advantage of it.”
It’s still difficult for Sara to tell this story. She’s doing so, “To keep other families from going through what we went through. [Amy]’s feeling is the same as ours. She wants to help other kids. [Predators] catch [teenagers] at their weakest moment, and they prey on that.”
We asked Sara what advice she’d give other parents of online kids. “Know who your kids are with. I would say, watch them when they’re online, but you can’t always do that. Don’t give out any addresses, don’t agree to meet anyone, don’t believe everything you hear and see — they may be telling you that they’re 15, 14, or 12, but they’re actually probably 30, 40, or 50 years old.... Don’t think that they can’t come to your house, because they can! Listen to your feelings. Make sure you know where else your child might be using a computer; at a friend’s house, library, or school.”
Often the first signal of an affair is a gut feeling that something is wrong. Most people reported having this feeling, although it varied in the way it appeared. For some it was a sudden feeling that resulted from a "casual comment or incident," while for others it came as a growing feeling of uneasiness, simply "intuition."
Casual Comments or Incidents:Sometimes the first signal of an affair is a casual comment or incident that seems harmless on the surface, but is felt as an indication that something is wrong. Even though it may seem plausible on a "rational" level, on an emotional level it "registers" as some kind of danger (stimulating a kind of "fight or flight" reaction).
Intuition:The first signals are seldom the stereotypical things like lipstick on the collar or strange phone calls. They're usually much more subtle, more of an intuitive reaction to changes in a partner's behavior, a sense that "something is different."
Following is a list of some of these changes.
Conservative estimates are that 60 percent of men and 40 percent of women will have an extramarital affair. These figures are even more significant when we consider the total number of marriages involved—since it's unlikely that all the men and women having affairs happen to be married to each other. If even half of the women having affairs (or 20 percent) are married to men not included in the 60 percent having affairs, then at least one partner will have an affair in approximately 80 percent of all marriages.
The first question most people ask when they learn of their partner's affair is, "Why?" And the answers they come up with are usually based on personal blame. They blame themselves, their partner, their relationship, or the third party. They see it strictly as a personal problem, a personal failure of the people involved. This is a very simple explanation for a very complex question.
Usually there are three different kinds of forces that are working together:
Forces within the individual that pull them toward affairsForces within the individual that push them toward affairsSocietal factors
We tend to think that only bad people have affairs or only people in bad relationships. But no one is immune from an affair.
Monogamy is something most people say they believe in and want for themselves. Every survey ever done on this question shows a high percentage of people think monogamy is important to marriage and that affairs are wrong. But a belief in monogamy as an ideal doesn't prevent large numbers of people from having extramarital affairs. Most people don't intend to have an affair and most people don't think it will happen to them—but it does.
Bottom Line: No one is immune from having affairs disrupt their lives or the lives of those they care about; they happen to all kinds of people, in all walks of life.
Negative Self-Talk
I feel burned out.
I'm tired.
What's the use?
I'm on a treadmill.
I never have any fun.
I can't seem to get ahead.
Every day it's the same.
I don't feel good.
I'm not in control of my life.
I feel so down all the time.
I can't get caught up.
I'm all stressed out.
Things just aren't working right.,
I've got too much on my plate.
I feel overwhelmed
Nobody cares. Why bother?
His bad mood made me feel low.
Nobody else does. Why should I?
It just can't be done.
Nothing ever works out for me.
It's too hard.
I can't handle this.
I'm so stupid.
I'm so depressed.
It's not fair.
The situation is hopeless.
I'm disgusted.
It's so frustrating.
There aren't enough hours in the day.
I can't seem to get rested.
It's just my usual bad luck.
Why does it always happen to me?
What else can I expect?
I'm bored.
That doesn't work in my area.
Things are great - so look out.
That's just the way I am.
I just never can remember.
Others can do it, why can't I?
I'm so sick of it all.
I don't want to do it.
I try, but it never works.
You want this when?
I hate my life.
"!*&#!"
I should have.
I can't until.
If only I had.
My work is so repetitious.
No one notices my good work.
It's hard to be positive.
That's not my job.
It just doesn't matter.
I never seem to get things done.
I can't handle it any more.
Same old stuff-different day.
What I do is never good enough.
I don't feel like doing anything.
I wish I didn't have to get up.
Why must I do everything?
My hair looks awful.
There's too much to do.
I'm worn out.
Something always goes wrong.
Life's not fair.
I'm in a bad mood.
I'm always short of money.
If only I didn't have staff problems.
There's never enough to go around.
I tried that and it didn't work.
How can I when.
My life's such a mess.
I'm lucky, but its all bad.
That's too hard to do.
I'm just not that smart.
I can't get out of this slump.
I'm not qualified.
I'm tired of doing the same thing.
This is just not my day.
It's a waste of time.
I can't get organized.
I don't have patience.
I don't have energy.
I don't have the ability.
I can't get ready on time.
I don't know what I want
I look terrible.
I need a vacation.
I wish I didn't have to go to work.
I hate change.
When it rains, it p pours.
Bad things come in three's.
cant seem to please anyone
I'm unhappy.
I can't deal with complaints.
Why bother?
I deserve these bad feelings.
The situation is hopeless.
If only he/she would.
How could he/she do that to me?
Why doesn't he/she.
I don't feel like doing anything.
I'll never get over this feeling of...
I feel powerless and it scares me.
I try but it doesn't work out.
Ill never find the right partner.
I'm so afraid I'll drink again
I'm afraid I'll use pills again.
I feel so alone.
I'm afraid of being alone.
His bad moods bring me down.
I deserve to suffer.
YOUR VOICE ON LIFE, LOVE & MARRIAGE
Did you ever have an affair?
